You can't act like a skunk wit...

You can't act like a skunk without someone's getting wind of it.

~Lorene Workman~

Yesterday was the first day of...

Yesterday was the first day of the rest of your life . . . and you messed it up again.

~Patrick Murray~

When someone sings his own pra...

When someone sings his own praises, he always gets the tune too high.

~Mary H. Waldrip~

When compelled to cook, I prod...

When compelled to cook, I produce a meal that would make a sword swallower gag.

~Russell Baker~

What a pity human beings can't...

What a pity human beings can't exchange problems. Everyone knows exactly how to solve the other fellow's.

~Olin Miller~

Well-adjusted means you can ma...

Well-adjusted means you can make the same mistakes over and over again, and keep smiling.

~George Bergman~

We'd all like a reputation for...

We'd all like a reputation for generosity and we'd all like to buy it cheap.

~Mignon McLaughlin~

The worst thing about a bore i...

The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking but that he won't let you stop listening.

~Anonymous~

The rich can be ""eccentric,"" t...

The rich can be ""eccentric,"" the poor have to be considered ""nuts.""

~Anonymous~

The ability to sin differs amo...

The ability to sin differs among people. For example, a short-armed fisherman isn't as big a liar as a long-armed one.

~Anonymous~

Some people see the cup as hal...

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

~George Carlin~

Show me someone who never goss...

Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.

~Barbara Walters~

She's not moody. She's just kn...

She's not moody. She's just known for her versatility of emotions.

~Louise Lotz~

She realizes she doesn't know ...

She realizes she doesn't know as much as God but feels she knows as much as God knew when he was her age.

~Dorothy Parker~

My mother said, ""You won't amo...

My mother said, ""You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."" I said, ""Just wait.""

~Judy Tenuta~

He talks at the drop of a paus...

He talks at the drop of a pause.

~John Mason Brown~

He could sell the Pope on fina...

He could sell the Pope on financing a Mormon tabernacle.

~Anonymous~

Let's just say, he has too man...

Let's just say, he has too many pigeons on his antenna.

~Anonymous~

Lead me not into temptation; I...

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

~Rita Mae Brown~

Laugh and the world laughs wit...

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep and you weep alone; For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth, But has trouble enough of its own.

~Ella Wheeler Wilcox~